Quick Review – The Sitter

 

Just got home from the first movie I’ve seen in a theatre in I don’t know how long. Movie of choice? Jonah Hill’s “The Sitter.”

Basically, “The Sitter” follows Jonah Hill’s character, Noah, and the misadventures that happen while he’s watching three kids as a favor to his mom. Noah has a girlfriend, Marisa, who is nothing but a user, a prime example being at the start of the movie where Noah goes down on her and when he asks her to return the favor, her stomach hurts and she mentions she thinks she got food poisoning. Noah lives with his mother, who raised him by herself. His dad cheated on his mom with the babysitter (irony?) and hates Noah and wants nothing to do with him (the feeling’s mutual). Noah ends up getting into the babysitting gig because his mom has a date that is going to get cancelled if her friend, who is setting her up, can’t find a babysitter because their usual one had to cancel.

As soon as Noah shows up to the house he’s babysitting at he gets a phone call from his “girlfriend” who wants him to come to a party with her. Bringing up “I thought you had food poisoning?” she says she’s over it and tells him that she wants him there and she wants to have sex with him and that she needs him to get cocaine for the party. He, flabbergasted at everything, agrees and grabs the kids and off they go.

The daughter, Blithe, is a really young girl who wants nothing more than to be a celebrity and be rich and be famous. The son, Slater, is a 13 year old who has an anxiety problem which actually turns out to be that he’s gay and doesn’t know how to handle it. The last kid is an adoptee named Rodrigo who doesn’t speak English well and has a thing for blowing up bathrooms with explosives.

Throughout the movie, Noah rights some wrongs from his past and present, comes to terms with his life, and helps all three kids out with their problems. It really helps that he’s a screw up himself and, in a weird way, is able to connect with all of the kids in separate ways. So even though it wasn’t a kid movie, it was kind of… cute? in its own way.

Honestly, I wasn’t sure what to expect when I saw it. I had high hopes because I’m a Jonah Hill fan, but while the movie DID have its moments, it really didn’t wow me. If I were to make a recommendation, I would recommend that if you want to see it, wait til DVD or Redbox or whatever.

Russell Brand – Arthur – Quick Review

As a Russell Brand fan, I am a little sad to say that I’ve never actually seen the new “Arthur.” That being said, I saw the old one and I absolutely loved it. The problems comes from having heard from many people that this one, unfortunately, is not as good. Well I’ll be the judge of that!

The Arthur that came out this year is actually a remake of a movie. Same title, different year, duh. In the 2011 version, Russell Brand takes the place of Dudley Moore as Arthur Bach. The love interest was originally played by Liza Minnelli, who, ironically enough, has a face that only a mother could love. The new love interest is Greta Gerwig who is hot I guess. Says she was in “No Strings Attached” but the only female I care about in that movie is Natalie Portman. In the cases for both movies, Arthur is forced to choose between two women. The love interest (Minnelli/Gerwig) or a woman set up as an arranged marriage (Susan Johnson is the name of the woman in both movies. 1981 version: Jill Eikenberry 2011 version: Jennifer Garner). Arthur is also dependent on two things in both movies: His money and his butler. Or nanny in the case of the 2011 movie (John Gielgud [originally] / Helen Mirren [currently]).

A modern day take on a classic movie!  What’ll it be? Love or money?  We’re about to find out! And here we goooo!

—This next part is pretty much a play by play of the entire movie. Skip it if you’d like to just hear a basic review!—————————-

5 minutes into the movie and it’s already showed a huge difference between the first movie. Everyone received news of Arthur getting into an accident on their cellphones. It’s amazing because just 3 years ago, this would have been rare and even 5 years ago it would have been unheard of. Social media at it’s best, ladies and gentlemen!

Plain and simple, Arthur is a child. His best friend is his nanny, Hobson, who is always looking out for him with sarcastic comments and a stern personality. Hobson is pretty much the only mother figure Arthur has ever had in his life to the point where he calls his mother ‘Vivien.’ They don’t talk, they don’t converse very well, and they definitely don’t see eye to eye. After a night of drunken shenanigans, Vivien gives Arthur an ultimatum - either he marries Susan Johnson or he loses his 950 million dollar fortune. At first he tells her that he’ll marry when he falls in love and then reluctantly agrees. Almost immediately after, he runs into his love interest, Naomi Quinn, who is running an illegal tourist running group. After running from the police and lying to them, he tells her he wants to see her again and she gives him her number. The problem is that he’s scheduled to ask Johnson’s dad, Burt Johnson, for his daughter’s hand in marriage later in the day.

“A business partnership with the added benefit of attraction,” is how Susan Johnson has labeled it. Arthur has put it as a “loveless marriage,” and proceeds to list off multiple things that neither of them have in common. Knowing Arthur and his history with women, it’s kind of ironic that the one thng he’s worried about is love. Forced into it, though, he… doesn’t really propose, but Susan takes the ring anyways and announces to everyone that yes, she will marry him.

After finding out that Hobson deleted Naomi’s phone number out of his phone, Arthur takes off to Grand Central Station in hopes of running into her again. He, coincidentally enough, DOES run into Naomi and he has completely emptied out Grand Central and set up their first date: an exact lie that they told the police officers when they were running from them. During this date, she is helping Arthur understand simplicity, something that he has never had to deal with before. And he’s loving it. In return, he’s trying to get Naomi to believe in herself. And she’s loving that. Unfortunately, he is trying, to no prevail, to get everyone to realize that he likes Naomi and doesn’t love Susan.

Realizing that he would rather be in love, happy and poor, Arthur is now trying to get a job to survive on. The bad part is that he has yet to tell Naomi about Susan, his fiance. In order to start getting his life together more, Arthur tries attending AA (alcoholics anonymous) but he completely blows it off. Again, asking his mom not to make him marry Susan, she tells him to just cheat on Susan. Drunkenly, he wanders over to Naomi’s house and tells her about his engagement. Understandably, she does not take it very well. He confesses that he has feelings for her, but he does not do it very well. She kicks him out and thus begins a sad moment of loneliness for both Arthur and Naomi. Hobson is not feeling well and though she’s playing it off as nothing,  something is wrong. She asks Arthur if something is wrong, though, and becomes worried about him and whether Susan is right for Arthur or not. Taking her concerns to Vivien, Vivien completely blows it off, calls Arthur weak and sends Hobson on her way, where Hobson goes to talk to Naomi herself, where she tells Naomi that a woman at her age recognizes when a young man is in love. And then she faints.

Arthur, who is at a bridal shower (or so it appears), is not happy to be there and is making an ass out of himself throughout the entire time when he gets a call from Naomi. We next find Arthur in the hospital talking to Hobson where she tells him not to worry. Of course he is worried, and proceeds to bring in a bunch of toys and stuffed animals to help make her feel better. He goes into the hall and starts talking to Naomi. He finds out that someone bought her book and then she proceeds to tell him how she was planning on telling him off, eventually running out of steam and thank him for encouraging her with her writing, and then get serious and tell him that he has a problem. And in walks Susan. Where she starts belittling Naomi and what she does and what she’s accomplished until she finally “lets it slip” that Arthur bought the publishing company that purchased Naomi’s book so that she could get it published, and she walks out.

With Hobson being sick, Arthur is trying to do stuff to help her out. Cooking, making tea, etc. He’s doing a terrible job at it and it’s hilarious. He makes her the knock off Spaghettio’s that he ate with Naomi on their first date. And things are just getting really sweet as Arthur proceeds to take care of Naomi. He asks if she’s ever been in love and she tells him how she was once, but 2 days before she was supposed to leave to Spain with him, Arthur’s father died

Arthur wakes up, tells Hobson he had a bad dream……… and Hobson doesn’t answer. And then…. she doesn’t wake up at all… Sitting at the kitchen table, by himself, he decides to have a party, where he is clearly upset he ends up spending the night in a half filled bathtub. He’s woken up by Bitterman, who is a butler or his friend or something, and he tells him that today’s his wedding day so Arthur tries to drown himself.

At the church: Arthur shows up late. Drunk. He goes to take a drink out of his flask and sees a note on the inside, written by Hobson. He has a little kid read it for him and basically it tells him that it’s not too late to do what he wants to do and that she loves him. When the preacher asks the crowd if anyone can provide just cause as to why they should not be married, Arthur yells “objection!…. to this wedding…” and midspeech as to why they shouldn’t get married, Susan punches him in the face and yells him, “You WILL marry me” when Vivien tells her not to touch her son and asks if he’s certain about not marrying Susan even if it means giving up everything. To prove a point, he strips all the way down to his underwear, that yes he IS willing to give up everything . As he’s getting into a cab to go to Naomi’s, his mother stops him and gives him money for a cab and tells him “good luck with your life, Arthur.”

As he’s streaking by buildings in his underwear, he’s yelling for Naomi. She finally hears him and they proceed to have a conversation about how Naomi can’t be Hobson’s replacement, though she is so so sorry that Hobson died, and Arthur, heartbroken, walks back down the street.

-6 months later-

Arthur is in a therapy group talking about all the things he was looking for to find happiness. He mentions he’s been six months clean as of that day, and while walking down the street, notices that Naomi’s book was actually published. While reading it, there was a note that said “To Arthur – Who made me believe in make-believe again” He spends all the money he has on the book and sees that there’s a reading by Naomi at a library. He attends the reading and when the reading is over, he confesses his love, sober, to Naomi who loves him as well. Oh and his mom forgave him and gave him back his inheritance too. THE END!

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Basically, Arthur is about a rich heir named Arthur who is an alcoholic and acts like a child. Growing up in a broken home, the only true mother figure in his life is his nanny, Hobson. His real mother, Vivien, who is sick of Arthur acting like a drunken child all the time finally gives him an ultimatum: Grow up, do something with your life, and marry Susan Johnson, or else you lose out on 950 million dollars. Turns out he has a past with Susan and he wants nothing to do with her, more importantly, he doesn’t love her and he feels that that’s what marriage should be about (go figure). However, he agrees.

It’s a little later in the day when he meets Naomi. After a run in with the police (she’s running an illegal tour guide business), he gets her number. Hobson, however, stating that Arthur has made a promise by getting engaged, deletes it. So Arthur goes and finds Naomi again. It’s clear that as much as Arthur despises Susan, he cares about Naomi, however he hasn’t told her he’s engaged yet. Finally, in a drunken stupor, he goes over to Naomi’s house and confesses. Obviously not pleased, Naomi kicks him out and tries to cut things off. There is, however, a connection between the two in Hobson. The only problem is, Hobson is ill and has not told anyone about it, and even though she’s practically Arthur’s mom, because they are unrelated, Arthur is unable to get any information from the doctors. Hobson, before she is hospitalized, tells Naomi that she knows that Arthur is in love with her. Shortly thereafter, under Arthur’s care and good intentions, Hobson dies in her sleep.

Two days later, Arthur is set to get married to Susan. While on the podium, he tells Susan he objects to the marriage and doesn’t love her. She punches him in the face and acts like a complete bitch, to the point that Archer’s real mother puts an end to the wedding and supports Arthur’s choice. Taking a cab down to Naomi’s neighborhood, he runs up and down the street screaming her name until she appears in her window. Stripped down to his underwear (I mentioned that didn’t I?) he tells her he called the wedding off and gave everything up for her. She turns him down.

Six months later, it shows Arthur in what appears to be an AA meeting where you discover that he’s been clean for 6 months. While walking the streets, he sees that Naomi has published a children’s book that she’d been working on and has dedicated it to Arthur. Seeing that she is also performing a reading at a nearby library, Arthur gets as it ends and upon it ending, confesses his love for her and says how much he misses her and wants to take care of her. She accepts this and the rest, as they say is history!

I really liked this movie, I’d put it right up there with the original. Then again, I’m a sucker for a good love story. I’d recommend it to anyone and everyone, it has it all!

 

Notable list of famous cars that appear in the movie: Batmobile from Batman Forever, Delorean from Back to the Future, Mystery Machine, The Dukes of Hazzard car,

Cedar Rapids – Movie Review

Cedar Rapids is a comedy that was released this year (2011) and features well known stars such as Ed Helms (The Office/Hangover), John C. Reilly (Step Brothers/Walk Hard), and Anne Heche (She’s still alive?). Of course there are other actors/actresses but when it really comes down to it, no one cares about them

. Picture of a sunset, taken in Cedar Rapids, IA – Couldn’t find a movie picture

 

Just like my normal reviews. minute by minute reviews of what I’m doing, what’s going on with the movie, and how I feel about the movie. If you feel like reading an… “actual” review will be at the bottom of it. ENJOY!

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3:03 – I had the movie all loaded and ready On Demand but I saw that McNabb got released/is going to be released. I had to turn on ESPN – Didn’t know you were getting a sports update too, didja?

3:07 – ….. An interesting twist to start off the movie. Tim (Helms) helps out a couple by selling them insurance, goes to a house that has two different colors painted on it (one of which is teal so of course I approve), hears the doorbell ring, a lady walks in who he refers to as “Ms. Vanderhei,” (Sigourney Weaver), she tells him to call him Macy and that he’s “going to have to stay after school” and then they start having sex. What? I had a friend in high school who had such a crush on his math teacher that she would NOT give him detention even if he tried. Granted she was hot. Weaver looks like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Ew.

3:12 – That little description took a while to write so actually like a minute has gone by in the movie. He was telling Vanderhei how he used to look at her when she was teaching and wonder what she looked like with no clothes on. Very smoothly, he followed up with “Did you use to look at me and think dirty things?” To which she replied, “…. You were 12.” As far as I’m concerned, that’s not a “no.” Pervert.

3:14 – Holy shit, Thomas Lennon is in this movie too (Reno 911/I love you, Man). I guess people maybe should care about the supporting cast!

3:16 – The slogan of BrownStar Insurance, where Helms and Lennon work, is “We insure your dreams.” Who sells dream insurance? What a stupid idea. It was also weird to see Lennon kiss a woman. Especially when he and Paul Rudd were down for the “Best Kiss” award for their kiss in “I love you, Man”

3:19 – Lennon was found in his bathtub with a belt around his neck, dead. Asphyxiation is weird too. Lennon is weird.

3:20 – “Here’s a kid that is going to go places! And then you didn’t…” – Helms’ boss in a pep talk to Helms. Deep. The guy who plays Red from That 70′s Show is the “one person that needs to be impressed.” I’m not even going to look up who he is because everyone just knows him as Red. And he’ll put his foot up your ass

3:26 – Hahahahaha, Helms’ roommate is black and he freaked out when he opened the door to help him in. He was on the phone with his teacher when she says “Run for your life. Does he speak your language?”

3:32 – within 20 seconds I’ve seen Helms’ ass and Red’s ass… Lovely.. and now they just hugged. What am I getting myself into?! D: And I think Helms has just met his first prostitute! Wheeee!

3:38 – insert comment about Helms claiming he’s pre-engaged to his teacher who wants nothing serious to do with him. This movie, thus far, isn’t as funny as I thought it’d be. Ho hum.

3:42 – Anne Heche is actually kind of cute for a lady I assume is a grandmother. And ooohhh does she want Helms!

3:48 – The funniest part of the entire movie, so far, is during a hot dog eating competition, Helms tells Heche that she looks “really good with a wiener in her mouth.” Remember, he’s practically a child, and that’s why it’s funny. Oh, nevermind. She asked if he “made a dick joke.” and he replied “no. Maybe.” still kind of funny

3:55 – Honestly, I’ve never been the biggest John C. Reilly fan. I feel like he forces every little bit of comedy that comes out of his mouth. This movie is no different. If anything, it’s different because it seems worse than his other movies. That and he looks like he’s 55. Checked: He’s like 46

4:02 – And now I’ve seen Reilly’s ass too. Helms and Heche have sex, Helms wants to tell Heche’s husband and Heche comes back with “What happens in Cedar Rapids stays in Cedar Rapids.” Clever. Helms calls his teacher, spills everything and then asks her to marry him where she tells him that not only in this someone else, but that there are multiple someone elses. Lol. She then proceeds to explain their relationship like a mommy bird pushing her children out of a nest. God damn she’s old.

4:09 – This movie is like built around religion. The emphasis on everyone saying “gosh darn” and adultery and Helms coming off as this big, innocent, adult child, and people being “holy rollers” …. it’s stupid. It’s really not funny. And at this point I wouldn’t recommend this movie to anyone.

4:13 – A friends comment, just kind of like the one in Step Brothers, just happened between Reilly and Helms. Lame!

4:22 – Pretty sure Helms just smoked meth. Hasn’t he seen those commercials? Not Even Once! and they’re creepy as hell! I don’t want to tear my skin off And he continues doing it! And now he’s doing cocaine… I am so losttttt

4:27 – Helms is fighting the guy who plays Lou off of Hot Tub Time Machine because he (Helms) made a comment about Lou not owning a toothbrush. Meth addicts are fucking crazy

4:31 – ….Why were the movies called “Back to the Future”? Were they just trying to be clever? I feel bad that Michael J. Fox has Parkinson’s disease

4:36 – And what was the deal with the country one? The first two were okay, the last one wasn’t that great.

4:46 – Oh… It’s over? Finallyyyy

 

Basically, this is a movie that follows Tim Lippe (Helms), who is very passionate about his job as an insurance salesman. He also has the maturity level of a child. He’s never flown on an airplane, he gets attached way too easily, he doesn’t drink, he blows everything completely out of proportion, and he is very awkward.

He gets flown from his small town in Wisconsin to Cedar Rapids, IA for a convention that rewards the best insurance company with an award called “The Two Diamonds Award.” He attends the convention because where he works at  Brownstone Insurances, their top salesman is found dead in his bathtub. While there, he cheats on his girlfriend, who happens to be his old 7th grade teacher and doesn’t want a serious relationship, with another lady attending the convention (Anne Heche). He then befriends a prostitute and does all sorts of drug. In between these two occurrences, Helms discovers that the only reason that his company has won the Two Diamonds award for 3 years in a row was because the guy he replaced was bribing the man (The old guy who plays Red in That 70′s show) who made the ultimate decision. Helms bribes Red, successfully, but has a change of heart before the movie’s over when his boss tells him that he’s selling the company and is that the branch that Helms works in is being closed down. He then calls his clients and has them submit, in writing, promises to stay with him as an insurance provider, tells the entire convention what he did, and then starts a new insurance company with his two roommates that he stays with at the convention.

Overall, I was extremely disappointed in this movie. It wasn’t very funny (as stated above I am not a John C Reilly fan), its story was decent I guess, and it had a happy? ending. Well it ended. I give it 3/8 stars or whatever rating system it is that I’ve been using.

Sorry to disappoint with such a crappy movie

Movie Review – Poughkeepsie Tapes

Poughkeepsie, NY

First off, I’d like to wish all my readers a happy, belated Thanksgiving! And what better way to finish a day of celebration of the taking of an entire people’s land than by watching a really, terrifying documentary on a real life serial killer?

The above image is one of the only photos that I could find of Poughkeepsie, NY that was available to use for commercial use. As you can see, it looks just like any normal area of the US. It isn’t.

The story of the Poughkeepsie Tapes is this: A serial killer in Poughkeepsie, NY is stalking, torturing and terrorizing people from New York to Pennsylvania. The truly horrifying part of this movie is that it’s supposedly based on a real life serial killer who completely documented, via video camera, every moment, beginning to end, of what he did to a victim. From the beginning stalking stages, to the torturing, to the eventual killing, over 800 videos were found in the killer’s house, when they finally found where he lived, along with multiple bodies buried in the back yard.

There is no clear description on the serial killer except that he is able to be whatever he wants to be. A few examples of the descriptions are as follows: First time killer between the ages of 18-25. First time killer between the ages of 25-30. Serial Killer. Cop (which he actually used to kill multiple people). FBI profiler. – The way that the detective talked about the killer was, again, that he could be whatever he wanted to be. This made him very difficult to track down.

His first victim was a little girl (Age 10 if I remember right) that he knocked out with a blunt object (and eventually killed) in her front yard, and kidnapped her. He then moved on to a couple that picked him up hitchhiking, and killed them both. He took the male body and actually put it into the female body in a way that it looked like the person murdered was a single person until further inspection showed that it was two people. Soon after, he started stalking a girl (Cheryl Dempsey). While her parents were out of town, Cheryl and her boyfriend Tom were at her house alone. After watching a movie and almost falling asleep, Cheryl and Tom were getting ready to go to bed when the killer appeared while Tom was going into the kitchen. Graphically – He repeatedly stabbed Tom, beat his head in, tore him with a knife from his anus to his throat and pulled his intestines out, making him look like a Christmas tree (according to a police officer). He then proceeded to take Cheryl hostage as a slave for years. Years. Tom was found, dead, and Cheryl, not found, was presumed dead especially due to the graphic way that Tom was killed. The killer tortured Cheryl repeatedly. At least on one occasion, he forced her to kill another person… All of this was filmed by the killer and found by detectives.

Not long after he was deemed a serial killer, he was given a name: The Water Street Butcher. For over a decade he killed multiple people and kept Cheryl as his slave, forcing her to call him “Master.” During this time, he actually completely framed an innocent police officer (James Foley)  for almost all of the murders that he had committed, with everything from semen (from the victims being raped AFTER they were killed >_<) to the schedule of where Foley would be while on the job, to even where he would be for his vacation. Foley, with no alibi of any kind, was found guilty and sentenced to death. After he was killed, the real killer sent a map to Foley’s partner saying that they’d missed a body. Upon discovery, they realized that Foley was actually innocent, and exonerated him of all his wrong doings. Not that it did him a whole lot of good seeing as how he was killed by lethal injection three days previously.

The detectives, however, were able to trace the real killer down. The killer had printed off the map he used from MapQuest. He was the only one who had printed off that exact map during the unspecified month. By tracing his IP and some other computer technical stuff, they were able to find his address. A SWAT team was sent in, but there was nothing to be found except the tapes, a blood stain on the wall……. and Cheryl Dempsey…. found in a wooden box, that when opened, was found still alive.

Months after Cheryl was found, it was reported that she had become so used to pain and torture, that she no longer knew how to live without it. She had 5 teeth pulled out with either pliers or a hammer. She had killed at least one person, by slitting her throat. She was burned, she was cut… and through it all, she had completely fallen in love with her “Master,” the Water Street Butcher. When she was released from the hospital to the care of her parents, she kept saying, over and over, “I want to go home…” It quickly became apparent that she didn’t mean “home” as in her old house. An interview was shot with Cheryl where she was clearly very uncomfortable. It only lasted a couple minutes, with Cheryl repeatedly stating, “I don’t know what to say…” She continued to say that her Master would return for her and that he loved her and would take her away from everything. Two weeks after the interview, Cheryl killed herself.

There is a lot of… controversy, surrounding The Poughkeepsie Tapes, as to whether it’s a true documentary on a true story, or if it’s a “mockumentary.” Personally, this documentary scared the hell out of me. I’m one of those people who, after reading a good book and finishing it, feels like I’ve lost a friend – Harry Potter –  Point being: I connect to movies and books in a reallyyyy nerdy way. If this movie was fake, it had a really good, really scary, idea. Regardless, it’s scary to think that there are people who not only come up with things like this, but there are people in the world who would actually do something like this. D:

I’m going to try to go sleep now I would HIGHLY recommend this movie though, especially to people who enjoy horrors, and documentaries. NOT to people like my friend Cody who “don’t enjoy movies like this because there’s no plot.” That makes no sense. He just wanted to go play Skyrim.

Movie Review – It’s Kind of a Funny Story

“It’s Kind of a Funny Story” is a comedy about a troubled teenager who is required to spend 5 days in a psych ward where he learns many valuable life lessons – This is going to be a relatively short review, probably a review of the movie as a whole, due to the fact that I’m pressed for time, and for that I apologize

GO!

I wanted to see this movie in theatres and just never got around to it. It starts off with Craig (Keir Gilchrist) having a dream where he is walking across a bridge about ready to jump off, when, due to an accident, he falls off, hits the water and wakes up. It’s not 5 in the morning on a Sunday when he runs into Bobby (Zach Galifinakis) who starts talking to him about why he’s there, what’s wrong with him and stuff like that. Craig gets in to see a doctor where he gets admitted to an adult psych ward (scary D:)

Gah, like 10 minutes in and I’m already creeped out. I hateeeee psychiatric places

3:46 – Bobby is showing Craig around. I love Galifinakis. Every character he plays is perfect. Craig just saw a girl writing on a piece of paper. Love at first sight. Which is ironic because he’s in love with another girl who is dating his best friends which is one of the reasons that he wanted himself admitted. To be young again…

3:50 – “If you were diabetic would you be embarrassed about that?” Yes I would. And so should you be, Jay Cutler

3:51 – Gilchrist looks like a younger Justin Long with the voice of the kid who was the main character in Kick-Ass

3:57 – There’s a clip about how if he doesn’t get into this prestigious summer school thing, he won’t eventually get rich and be able to get on MTV Cribs. I don’t want to be an asshole, but is that show even still around? I feel like that’s an unreasonable goal for him to have and that he’s an idiot for even thinking about it.

4:01 – “I don’t buy into that bullshit” List includes: Reese’s Pieces, Gucci, Werther’s Originals

4:15 – Even psychopaths play the “question game” to try to get to know each other. They’re just like real people!

Side Note: It looks like Erin Brokovich is the art teacher in the psych ward! …You mean SHE was played by Julia Roberts? I thought she only played sluts. Oh waaaiitttt, that makes sense now: “They’re called boobs, Ed.” Whore. Either way, it isn’t her anyways.

“You could draw beavers.” “We don’t draw those kind of beavers here.” “What, like this?” -holds up a picture of an actual beaver (animal) “….Well actually, that’s really nice”

4:31 – It’s kind of weird, even though he’s still kind of funny, to see Galifinakis playing a more serious role. He does a pretty good job. Kinda like Adam Sandler in Funny People or Click. But not like how the majority of Sandler’s movies are in the shitter anymore (Jack and Jill….)

Hearing 40 people in a psychiatric ward playing different instruments singing “Under Pressure” puts a new perspective on the song. Galifinakis has glitter in his beard… or it’s possibly bejeweled… and kind of looks like a gay vampire  and Gilchrist looks like Adam Lambert.

4:38 – Galifinakis playing basketball. HE’S LIKE A WHITE LARRY BIRD! He also paid off some security guy with a couple of pills. Hustlaaahhhh

4:42 – The entire scene where Craig is practicing that Bobby is his love interest in the psych ward (Noelle: Emma Roberts) is absolutely hilarious. Looking at the statistics, it cost about 8 million dollars to make this movie and it only made 6.5 million to date. Seriously, this is one of the best new (to me) movies that I’ve seen in a long time. I love it.

4:44 – “What I would give to be you, for just a day” Who hasn’t had that feeling before. The grass is always greener, right?

4:51 – Just when everything is getting better, things just as quickly got worse. Both of Craig’s love interests (Nia and Noelle) are upset with him. Noelle because she liked Craig and heard him tell Nia that he loved her (for the last two years) who was upset at him because he is a nervous puker and when she was on top of him on his roommates bed and he walked in from the bathroom on them, he threw up everywhere.

4:54 – “There are so many people in the whole world who are struggling so hard just to live. And it’s like, self-indulgent for me not to appreciate what I have.”

This is probably my shortest movie review to date. Originally I said it was because I was pressed for time, but that really just didn’t turn out to be the case. This movie was incredible. I loved it. It is such a good movie, i would recommend it to anyone, anywhere. There’s no way you could watch this and not like it. The moral of this movie is such a simple one, and yet it is such a strong one: Live.

Movie Review – Let’s go to Prison

Okay… If there’s something I learned from my last blog around Halloween, it’s that people don’t want to read something that is about more literature so it’s with a heavy heart that I regret to inform everyone that I probably won’t be making that mistake again.

That being said! The movie for this week is Let’s go to Prison. Heard about it, wanted to see it, never did. Luckily for me, my roommate has it, and while I was looking through his pitiful “collection” of movies, this was the only movie I haven’t seen before. Unluckily for me, my hopes aren’t high for it and I’m a little sleepy, so we’ll just have to see how it goes!

A big black guy holding a little rubber duck is adorable and if you disagree, you’re wrong. Now let’s get this started

2:42 – Oh my god, I hit the play button and it brings up the option to play the unrated or the theatrical. Seeing as how I need a nap, I’m going to click the theatrical in hopes that it’s shorter. That and something about an unrated version of a movie about a bunch of men in prison…. just sounds sickening.

2:48 – The main character’s name is Lyshitski.  Guaranteed there’s a joke later about his name. I wonder where people’s last names come from

3:01 – They have people talking about how they like being on jury duty. I couldn’t help notice all of them are stupid as shit. I guess it makes for a funny movie? Meh… One girl is bald. That’s weird. and ugly

3:08 – About 20 minutes in and I finally laughed a little bit. Too bad it doesn’t translate well to writing. Fun fact: All the guards are white and the majority of the people actually in prison are black and mexican. The head white guy, keeps mentioning sticking things into assholes. HILARIOUS

3:10 – I forgot what I found kind of funny just two minutes ago.

Thus far: John Lyshitski (Dax Shepard) has been in and out of jail since he was little. He finally just got out again and was plotting revenge on the judge who had sent him to prison the three times previously. Shortly after this release, he finds out that the judge, Nelson Biederman III, died only three days earlier. So instead of taking revenge on him, he’s taking it out on his son, Nelson Biederman IV (Will Arnett). After hatching a scheme that worked better than anticipated, Biederman ends up going to prison and Lyshitski sells weed to undercover cops and barters his way from 7-10 months to 3-5 years, in the same prison Biederman’s being held. They just got paired into the same cell together, and it’s at this point, I assume the that hilarity will begin.  Movie starting again!

3:24 – Biederman found a condom in his food. Those jail people are such pranksters – “Remember for April Fool’s Day joke”

3:26 – Three shower scenes in like 5 minutes… Maybe the writer just likes seeing men naked?

3:30 – The singer guy who is always in “Kind of the Hill” Chuck… something…. is playing over the stereo in the black guy -Barry- (Chi McBride) from the picture above’s cell. He and Arnett just eskimo kissed. Aww, if that’s all that prison is than it’s not near as bad as what movies and shows make it out to be! (He also shampooed his hair)

3:34 – I’m beginning to remember that I really don’t like Will Arnett very much. Lynard, the bad guy right now, looks like a mixture of Michael Keaton and Rainn Wilson (The Office). That makes me smile. Except now he’s stabbing people with forks.

3:41 – Biederman has a pen pal who happens to be a 2nd grader. “From one vicious mother fucker to another, good luck in the 2nd grade…” Hahahaha

3:50 – Biederman killed Lynard and became the head of the “White Kingdom” nazi group and is now like the… leader of the prisoners or something. And so now Lyshitski (WHO STILL HASN’T HAD A JOKE MADE ABOUT HIS NAME YET!) is just all down in the dumps because his plan didn’t work out as well as he was hoping.

3:54 – Ohhhh nooooo, Barry and Biederman, who have a parole hearing set in a couple of days, are fighting I really thought they were going to make it.

4:00 – The warden’s right hand man is played by Champ from Anchorman (David Koechner). His only good movie EVER was Anchorman. WHAMMY!

4:02 – “I will take your mom Dorothy Mantooth out on a date AND NEVER CALL HER AGAIN” “DOROTHY MANTOOTH IS A SAINT!”

4:05 – Fight to the death between Biederman and Lyshitski is supposed to be coming up. “Whoever dies first loses” Pretty simple I’d say.

4:08 – The fight ends when they both stick a needle filled with some sort of liquid into each other and kill each other. I feel like something else has to be going on!

4:10 – Knew it! They both injected each other with some bat shit and pigeon spit and stuff and it put them into a coma so that they only seemed dead. Barry dug up Biederman and they both dug up Lyshitski.

4:15 – Baby Duck Winery – Opened by Barry, Biederman and Lyshitski. A fancy wine guy starts to say that the wine is complete shit when Lyshitski threatens him into putting in his magazine that it got a perfect 100 out of 100 points. That’s where it ends with a couple other people from prison working there too.

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Well I actually didn’t enjoy this movie very much. There were a couple of funny parts but it really wasn’t that great. Thinking about it, though, has Dax Shepard every made a good movie? He is one of those actors that you look at him and say “I could act better than he can.” Will Arnett has his part in Hot Rod, and Chi McBride (is he related to Danny McBride?) has Waiting, so get with it Shepard. The best part of the movie was that it wasn’t very long. The next best part was that there were a couple of parts that were pretty funny. Only a couple, though, and it didn’t last long. I suppose that if I was going to give this movie a score like I have the rest, I would give it 3 stars out of 8? I don’t remember how many stars I’ve been doing it out of, it’s been a while since I last wrote one of my reviews.

 

Creepypasta

In celebration of Halloween, I had planned on Netflixing a terrible Halloween movie and reviewing it. Unfortunately, out Netflix is not working right now so that makes it a little difficult. Wanting to stay in the right spirit, I didn’t want to just.. settle for a movie that one of my roommates has that I haven’t ever seen. So after racking my brain for a little while, I decided that I’ll do a post covering something that isn’t movie related, but still has the opportunity to be creepy as shit. I’m talking about Creepypasta.

Ughhhh, even thinking about a couple of them just made me shudder. Here is Creepypasta wiki link: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Creepypasta_Wiki It does a good job describing what Creepypasta is. For those of you too lazy to click the link, Creepypastas are scary stories that are written by people, some concerning urban legends.

Here is a list of a few of the most popular ones:

Suicide Mouse.avi -http://inuscreepystuff.blogspot.com/2010/08/suicidemouseavi.html Suicide Mouse.avi is a video about Mickey Mouse. It shows him walking by the same picture, slowly, clearly upset, with creepy music behind it. Rumor is, the original video had something so terrible at the end of it, that it caused the only person who ever viewed it to kill himself. “The sights of hell brings its viewers back in.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWlLgUcOv7g There’s a link to the video. It’s over 9 minutes long. I don’t want to watch the entire thing.

 

SmileDog.jpg - http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Smile_Dog Smile Dog is an image that is said to make people insane. After seeing the image, Smile.jpg, Smile Dog supposedly shows up in people’s dreams with one simple request: Spread the word. He promises that if his image is spread, he will stop haunting your dreams. Hundreds of people have killed themselves over seeing the image.  Below is an enhanced copy of the original picture. It shows a Siberian Husky, smiling with human teeth, and a hand “beckoning” with it.

 

 

Though this isn’t the original, this is the picture most often used with this particular Creepypasta:

 

 

My personal favorite… and by favorite, I mean it scared the shit out of me. It could have been the house we were living in when I first read it – it has a little bit of an… unknown, creepy history itself – but I’m not one for superstition. I honestly don’t get scared easily at all, unless it involves something along the lines of clowns. I absolutely hate clowns. But this Creepypasta… is… phenomenal.

Squidward’s Suicide - http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Squidward’s_Suicide Squidward’s Suicide follows the someone hated Squidward from the beloved cartoon, Spongebob Squarepants. It starts out like a normal episode. Squidward’s playing his clarinet and Spongebob is outside laughing. Squidward yells at him to knock it off, that he has a concert that night, and off Spongbob goes to Sandy’s with Patrick. The night of the concert is when things start to get weird, but this is where I leave you, with the description. If you read ONE Creepypasta, I would recommend this one. It isn’t too long.

I’m so freaked out by this one that I won’t even post the picture of Squidward that is has up. I’ve already deleted the two pictures of the Smile Dog off of my computer and am a little freaked out that they’re going to be on my blog for some time to come. I know it sounds stupid. I am… 90% sure that these are all fake, but still.. they are written so well that I am seriously just unsure. Like, some of them are just so well written that I feel like it’d be impossible to make them up.

If you like being scared I would highly recommend going to Google and looking up “Creepy Pasta Wiki.” It will have a whole bunch of things you can click on. I just hold no responsibility for you not sleeping or killing yourself or whatever. Creepy as fuck… -shudders-